


A Productive Relationship

by pi_meson



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: F/M, Implied Sexual Content, implied gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-02-27 11:27:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2691197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pi_meson/pseuds/pi_meson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lauren Mallard is appointed to a new post, in control of Night Vale. It is a fantastic opportunity to reach her full productive potential and claw her way to a position that fits her talents, but why has she been saddled with an out of date biomachine as her <i>very</i> personal assistant and what on Earth is she going to do about Cecil and Kevin? Are all radio hosts subversive?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Interview Day

Lauren adjusted her bra whilst checking her teeth for stray lipstick traces. She frowned as she rummaged in her standard issue handbag for her make-up case and brought out a pack of wipes and an alternative shade in a twist-up bullet-shaped case with a little golden sun logo inside an embossed triangle on the base. She looked at it, looked at her perfectly coloured-in mouth, sighed and threw the _StrexCorp Synernists Inc._ loyalty brand lipstick back into her bag. As she let the door swish shut behind her and adjusted her walk to get just the right cadence of heel click from her executive style two-inch slingbacks, her left strap began its inevitable downward slide.  
 _At least the discomfort will keep me focused_ she thought as she paused outside the door that declared itself to be "Room Two."  
She knocked and waited, shifting her weight from foot to foot before settling on a stance that suggested stability and poise. A pause, a buzz, a click and the door swung open. Lauren entered.  


Three other wannabes sat on low chairs around a screen displaying a StrexCorp presentation. Lauren chose to stand where she could see her opposition and also watch the door. She ignored the man who sat with his knees higher than his shoulders, legs spread wide and elbows prodding over the arms of the chair. Too unaware, too invasive. Untidy. Unprofessional. Not a StrexExec.  
She looked at the woman who perched and stared at the screens. Too unsure of herself, too keen to give a good impression. Short, tight skirt making her wriggle in discomfort. Lauren didn’t look at her again.  
The man in the corner looked like her competition. She watched him as he sat quiet and composed, ignoring the presentation and observing his surroundings. He looked up suddenly and caught her eye. Lauren looked away quickly, suppressing her elevated heart rate with cold calculation of her chances of success.   
The inner door opened and a yellow and grey clad drone appeared with a clipboard.   
"Mr Pratt and Ms Newleigh, you may return to your divisions. You may assume that your application has been unsuccessful at this time. Thank you for your interest."  
The two no-longer-hopefuls got up and left the room. She heard the start of a squabble in the corridor before the door closed and silenced them.  
"Ms Mallard, Daniel, please come with me." 

Lauren sat in the chair pointed out to her. Daniel stood without being invited to sit. Another drone with another clipboard faced her.  
"You have presented an interesting application, Ms Mallard, and you have developed a certain reputation due to your somewhat malleable moral stance. The executive committee members were particularly interested in your suggestion of purchasing the local radio station and forcing this "Voice of Night Vale" presenter to ease StrexCorp Synernists Inc.'s takeover. We have been instructed to ask: are you up to the job, Ms Mallard?"  
"Yes. I would hardly have suggested it otherwise. Am I to be interviewed in front of the other candidate?"  
"You misunderstand, Ms Mallard. The committee has seen fit to grant you a month starting now to put your plan into action. The radio station will be the property of StrexCorp by the time you get there this afternoon in the role of _Director of Programming_. You have been assigned Daniel, an original model biomachine, to assist with technical and administrative tasks."   
Lauren looked at the man she assumed was competition for the job. She cocked an eyebrow at the drone.  
"A biomachine? And an original model. How... productive. I don’t need a minder."  
"Do not sneer, Ms Mallard. Daniel has a range of programming that will complement your skills and is programmed for loyalty. Someone has packed for you and there is a car waiting. Thank you for your time."  
The drone stood without offering a hand to shake. Lauren turned on her two-inch heel and left the room. Once in the corridor and on her way to the pick-up point by the main entrance, she risked hitching at her strap. A tenor voice from just behind offered to adjust it to a better fit. Lauren did not turn round to reply.  
"You may not touch me, Daniel." 


	2. Not useless after all

Lauren looked around her new apartment and nodded once, holding a hand out for the keys. Daniel and the driver brought bags and boxes from the car.  
"Quaint. Backward even. Have biometric ID systems not been introduced in Night Vale?"  
"I believe official buildings have a primitive system involving _bloodstone._ StrexCorp Science Division would like samples for analysis."  
"Radio station. Now."  
Daniel led Lauren back to the car, and paused with his hand on the door handle.  
“Would you like to walk? It is not far and it would give you an opportunity to see more of this community before…”  
“Drive.”  
Daniel held the door open wide and closed it after Lauren with a gentle click. 

Lauren went straight to the desk intern and demanded to be taken to the manager’s office. The young intern burbled about how they hoped Lauren would settle in quickly and learn how things worked here. At the office door, Lauren pinned the youngster with a glare.  
“I am here because _things_ do _not_ work properly. I am here to _fix_ things.”  
She switched the glare for a bright, brittle smile.  
“After all, wouldn’t it be so _nice_ to be _productive?_ Full staff meeting in fifteen minutes. Get everyone into the break room. Go.”  
The intern scurried away. Daniel appeared to be frowning at a sheaf of stained papers.  
“Ms Mallard, I am unable to read the current staff contracts.”  
Lauren took a page from the file. She sniffed it carefully, closing her eyes and smiling.  
“Find out what language it is. These contracts, if that is what they are, appear to have been written with blood. At least the backward locals have got something right.” 

Lauren put on her sparkliest smile before she entered the break room. She counted five people and Daniel.  
“Is this all? You! Where are the other workers?”  
“This is it, Ma’am. Desk intern, technical intern, caretaker, security and sales guy.”  
“Where are the reporters? Presenters? Producers? I was listening to a show, where was it coming from?”  
Sales guy piped up.  
“Hey it doesn’t get lively around here until later, when Cecil’s broadcasting. Then we need someone on the phones, two people if he's got something to say, and a producer and he has his own intern usually. You were listening to a recording of _Ways With Roadkill_ which used to be a real hit. We still sell a few recipe books every month. Um, I can hear the phone, might be an order.”  
“Thank you…?”  
“Sean.” 

Lauren went back to her office with Daniel a step behind her. She sat in the padded chair behind the wooden desk and dropped her smile.  
“Daniel, I want to see people working here. I am the new Director of Programming so there need to be new programmes to direct. When this _Cecil_ arrives, you will take over as his producer for now and he can record some more suitable material for us. Something more _productive_.”  
“Yes, Ms Mallard.”  
Lauren stared at Daniel for fifteen seconds. He stared back without a flicker of embarrassment or discomfort.  
“You may call me Lauren.”  
“Yes, Ms Mallard.”  
“I instruct you to call me Lauren. Go find me decent coffee and a copy of your user manual.”  
“Yes… Lauren. My user manual is stored in my archive. If you need to alter my programming you can tell me what you want and I will comply. Drip filter, no milk or sugar.” 

Lauren was engrossed in writing a script for _the Voice of Night Vale_ to record. Something light for the locals to listen to between live broadcasts, prepare them for their new productive lifestyle. She had already drafted a new programming schedule, introducing new shows to be hosted by ambitious interns and extra live broadcasts that would keep the _Voice_ busy. She only became aware of Daniel when a paper coffee cup plopped onto the desk beside her. She jumped slightly then held out a sheet of paper.  
“Oh! Check over this programming schedule.”  
“Yes, Lauren. I have a slightly delicate matter to bring up.”  
Lauren looked up at Daniel’s blandly handsome face.  
“A problem?”  
“No Lauren, I visited a local clothing store and persuaded the manager that since StrexCorp own their building as of today they should give you a welcome gift. I took the liberty of scanning your form earlier. This should be a suitable style and a perfect fit.”  
Lauren looked in the gift bag. It contained a racer-back seamless sports bra in soft grey fabric. She looked at Daniel, returning his slight smile with a scowl.  
“Don’t ever _scan my form_ without my explicit permission again.”  
As soon as Daniel left she locked the office door and changed. He was right, it was perfect. She dropped her yellow lacy garment in the bin. 

Lauren did not see Cecil that evening. Daniel sat in the producer’s booth and observed his broadcast, told him to report to station management straight away, and watched as he smiled, said _Yeah? Sure! Whatever,_ and walked out of the building.  
Lauren scowled at the news.  
“Why didn’t you stop him?”  
“I expected he would come back once he realised his error.”  
“I knew trusting this job to a biomachine was a bad idea. I suggest you listen to some of his broadcasts, if you are capable of understanding them. He will need _very special_ handling. I have reviewed his personnel file. There is absolutely no personal information in it at all. No address, no date of birth, no next-of-kin, no bank details, nothing I can use.”  
“Everyone has a weakness. Most people have several. Yours...”  
“Basic executive training and human nature tell us that, Daniel. We must find and exploit Cecil’s weaknesses.”  
“I may have found one, Lauren. He has occasionally mentioned a scientist in his broadcasts.”  
"That is interesting, Daniel. It seems that you are not useless after all."  
She wasn't sure, but it looked like Daniel’s mouth twitched. 


	3. Tactics

Lauren wore her widest smile and chose her most gushingly enthusiastic tone to hijack Cecil’s broadcast. Cecil had failed to meet with her on several occasions. She relied on Daniel to keep watch during broadcasts, deliver scripts and relay information back about Cecil’s compliance with new productivity guidelines.  
It was not going well. A phone call that morning from a drone at StrexCorp headquarters, the fallout from a failed enterprise with orange juice and a biomachine made up to look familiar, had caused the accidental smashing of her favourite coffee mug. The resulting stain on the opposite wall remained despite Daniel’s best efforts to motivate the caretaker.  
She carefully adjusted her mouth up a notch and walked into the studio. Cecil scowled at her and she smiled even wider, showing teeth and ignoring the slight pain in her cheek muscles. She slid a paper in front of the truculent radio presenter and watched his expression change as he read it silently, fists and jaw clenching. 

_Aren't you an elusive character! Isn't it lovely that you still have such a productive employment opportunity here with Greater Desert Bluffs Area Radio. If you are too busy to attend meetings your contract can easily be renegotiated on different terms, if you want that to happen. It is so important to live a productive life, isn't it? Can you imagine what might happen to a radio presenter without a show to present?_

“…Carlos, okay.”  
Lauren kept up her smile as she said goodbye and left the studio. She noticed Daniel watching her and held eye contact with him. He seemed impervious to the intimidation tactics that had worked so well on the interns and the Seans in sales. He followed to her office a few minutes later.  
"Lauren? I wish to report that your tactics appear to be working. Cecil is currently recording a piece for us."  
"Oh that is something to smile about, unlike your productivity. If I want something done well, I generally have to do it myself. You failed. Perhaps because you are a biomachine, after all the farmer biomachine failed too."  
Daniel's eyes tracked Lauren as she paced the floor of the office, analysing, calculating, accessing Lauren's psych profile files.  
"I did not fail." 

Lauren stopped pacing and turned.  
"What. Did. You. Say."  
Daniel calculated a tone that made his point a little more forcefully. He stepped forwards slightly.  
"I did NOT fail."  
It was enough. Lauren's face twisted. She screamed at him, called him every name he had ever been called before plus a few others that he stored for future reference. He activated his emotional response simulator software and went redder, eyes narrower, voice harsher, moved forwards again and yelled a range of insults back.  
Lauren and Daniel stood inches apart, venting fury or an approximation of it, at each other until Lauren stood silent and shaking, spent. She closed her eyes to concentrate on her breathing.  
Daniel waited until Lauren opened her eyes again before he held her head and kissed her. She pulled away only to mutter the name of a _specialised_ subroutine.  
Afterwards, when he had picked up the discarded papers swept from the desk in their haste, Lauren ordered Daniel to erase fifteen minutes of memory. 


	4. Biomachine Behaviour

Lauren frowned as Cecil slipped another unauthorised opinion out live. Somehow he had circumvented the seven second delay in his live broadcast and what he said went out on the air exactly as he said it.  
"Daniel. Shut him down. He is of no use to us."  
"Lauren? I tried that once before and he found another way to broadcast. I advise that it is better for us if we allow him to carry on under supervision but find an alternative form of leverage."  
Lauren scowled.  
"You advise. You."   
Daniel stood perfectly still.  
"I estimate the probability of success of potential strategies based on observations of Cecil's previous behaviour. The farmer biomachine failed because of a surprising lucky punch with the corner of a cellphone. Approaching Carlos has not worked because the scientist seems to be equally oblivious to both threats and offers."   
"Tell me something useful. What else does Cecil like? What does he love?"  
"He has a niece in the Girlscouts and a... cat. It lives in the men's room. He likes animals."  
Lauren's smile reached her eyes as she reached for the telephone. 

The package arrived two days later in a yellow delivery van. Daniel handled it with care, adjusted its programming to _surprise attack_ and disabled the safety override function. Ten minutes before Cecil was due in his studio, Daniel stashed the StrexPet under the table and switched it on.  
He and Lauren listened from the office as the StrexPet followed its programming. Cecil was predictably enchanted, allowing the biomachine to imprint. It switched from affectionate to violent faster than a cat getting unwelcome belly-rubs. Lauren laughed at the sound of Cecil scurrying for the men's room to clean his wounds, his reaction to the StrexPet's attack on the cat and his anguish over his pet's injuries.  
"Daniel, you are smiling. Are you amused?"  
"No, Lauren. I feel..."  
"What?"  
"I _feel_ satisfied that the StrexPet's programming was successful. I should not _feel._ May I deactivate and perform a system check?"   
"Can't it wait? I may need your services."  
"One or more of my emotional simulation subroutines could be compromised."  
Lauren sighed, frowned and nodded, making brief eye contact with Daniel. Daniel sat then slumped as he powered down all but his most essential functions. It was just Lauren who got to gloat. 

Much later, Daniel reactivated to find Lauren writing a report, sitting at the desk opposite him. She paused and looked up, fingers poised above the keyboard, as he sat upright.  
"Well?"  
"I found no anomalies."  
The keyboard clicking resumed.  
"You are sending a report, Lauren?"  
"Yes. The StrexPet was effective although it got distracted from its original target. Perhaps the outcome is better than we planned."  
"Have you informed StrexCorp Bionetics of my condition?"  
"You found no anomalies."  
Ten minutes later, Lauren submitted her report electronically and Daniel received a copy straight to his memory. He almost completely suppressed a smile. 

Lauren sat up straight and stretched.  
"Daniel, drive me home then stay. I have another strategy in mind and want to know your estimate of the probability of its success."  
"Yes, Lauren."  
Daniel waited for Lauren to be ready to go, amusing himself by replaying random chunks of deleted memory files. One un-rewritten segment in particular he played over twice before storing in an archive file. It was not a complete memory, just a few seconds of visual and audio.  
"Daniel, you are staring. I'm ready."  
"Sorry, Lauren."  
Daniel drove Lauren home, a question burning his processor. The answer came after he had estimated a sixty percent chance of success of buying out the Night Vale Girlscouts when Lauren asked him to describe some of his more _personal_ programming.  
Lauren stopped him as he described _relaxation zero-four erotic massage_ and said, "Yes, that one." 

Later, Lauren ordered Daniel to erase thirty minutes of his memory. Daniel nodded and set his face to a carefully impassive blankness as he formed a new archive subfolder. 


	5. Subversive Radio Hosts

The purchase of the Girlscouts went smoothly and Lauren once more hijacked Cecil's broadcast in a way calculated to irritate and intimidate. He was tenacious, surviving the orange juice attack and the StrexPet, uncowed by threats to his own safety or the status of his scientist.   
A threat to... what was her name again? Oh yes, Janice. That was it. Janice.   
Lauren described Cecil's expression with delight. Daniel smiled, keeping eye contact with Lauren while she spoke.   
"I am glad that you got revenge for those things he said to you after the StrexPet attack, and those recordings he made." "Not revenge, Daniel, I am trying to persuade him to be a more productive employee." He hated to break her mood.  
"Lauren, there is a message from StrexCorp. They want to send another radio presenter to ease the transition from the _Voice of Night Vale_ to the _Voice of Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area._ They're sending Kevin."  
Lauren's smile melted away.  
"Smiling god! That... That... Urgh! Can't he broadcast from Desert Bluffs? Urgh, he'll want to redecorate."  
She reached for the telephone, but stopped and smiled again.  
"If they are sending Kevin to run the radio station then there may be a bigger role in the pipeline for me."  
"Or..."  
"Stay positive, Daniel! We... I have been very productive recently and productivity may be rewarded. I have a few more plans for your probability calculations and I want to talk over the most productive way to include Kevin in those plans."  
"Should I drive you home first? Please forgive me if this is somewhat insubordinate but your biometric data suggest that you would be more productive after a short period of relaxation."  
"Are you telling me I need sleep?"  
"No." 

Daniel did not need to sleep. Lauren watched as he sat up after _relaxation zero-six,_ opened a panel in his side, uncoiled a cable and plugged himself into the wall socket beside her bed.  
"Daniel, fix your clothing and erase the last thirty minutes."  
"Yes, Lauren."  
Daniel dressed and added to his archive folder. Lauren outlined her plans for increasing the productivity of Night Vale as a town by _streamlining work-life balance_. Daniel nodded and smiled, adding information before he was prompted about efficient use of Strex guards.   
"I should submit my plan now, the necessary Strex personnel can be on their way first thing."  
"Lauren, it is after midnight."  
"And? There is building to be done and preparation, staff training. Productivity doesn't vanish with the Sun. Do you plan to sit there and recharge? This is my personal space, Daniel."   
Daniel unplugged and strode through to the kitchen, sat on a chair and swapped sockets with the microwave. He frowned as he replayed his dismissal. 

First thing, at the radio station, Lauren looked completely delighted to see Kevin in her office.   
"Lauren, what a lovely sight this morning! It is so... interesting to be here."  
Kevin handed Lauren an envelope. She slit it open and read the short letter inside, handing it to Daniel when she was done.  
"Congratulations on your promotion, Lauren! Now, where is my studio? I have started to decorate already. Isn't it nice here now! All those colours, reds and browns and yellows. Look, I kept his teeth. They're so pretty I could frame them. Just the teeth. Mmhmmhmm."  
"You are so considerate, Kevin. You will get to use your studio soon, I promise. For now, Cecil must suspect nothing."  
Daniel spoke, keeping his voice neutral and all trace of sarcasm off his lips.  
"Lauren? I hear your new employees arriving. Do you want me to organise them into work teams while you interact further with Kevin?"  
Lauren did not break eye contact with Kevin, staring deep into those dead pits in his face.  
"Thank you Daniel, I will perform my duties myself. Please stay with Kevin, see that he is comfortable."  
Lauren picked up a file of plans and left the room to organise the building of her workers' accommodation camp. Kevin smiled at Daniel. Daniel saw that the stories about Kevin were true. He was incapable of _not_ smiling.  
"Daniel. What additional subroutines do you have in your _personal wellbeing_ programming? I have heard _relaxation twelve_ is worth twenty minutes of my time."  
Daniel selected a frown and shook his head twice.  
"I have no such programming, Kevin." 


	6. Go to sleep.

"Your biomachine is defective, Lauren."  
"It appears to be in perfect working order, Kevin. It has been a great help to my productivity."  
"Either it has missing programming or it has learned how to lie."  
"It is a biomachine, Kevin, it is incapable of lying."  
"Daniel?"  
"Yes, Kevin?"  
"Initiate programme _relaxation zero four_ "  
"I have no programme with that name, Kevin. If you describe it I could add it to my subroutines."  
"Daniel, please return to work. Kevin, just what is the problem here?"  
"Your biomachine needs reprogramming. I will report it for you once I have finished redecorating."  
"That will not be necessary, Kevin. How is Vanessa?"  
Kevin's face dropped as far from a smile as it could, but the corners of his gash of a mouth still turned upwards. 

Lauren worked on her plans for Night Vale's productivity improvements, with Daniel's assistance, while Kevin wrote for the troublesome radio host until Kevin announced that Daniel was to drive him home. Daniel rose after a slight nod from Lauren.  
In the car, Kevin was silent until they parked outside his apartment.  
"I know you lied to me about your programming. Why?"  
"I am a biomachine. I am not capable of lying."  
"Do you think your loyalty to Lauren is worth anything to her? You are a machine designed to be useful. That's all. I have reported your defective nature. It will be nice to have a fully functional replacement."  
Daniel drove back to the station weighing up the options and choosing the most favourable course of action. He found Lauren still poring over work schedules. He sat down opposite her and waited. Lauren eventually looked up with a frown.  
"Is there a problem, Daniel?"  
"Kevin has reported me as defective and requested that I be replaced."  
Lauren's frown cleared and she smiled for a second.  
"Is that a problem, Daniel? You are a machine, it hardly matters. It is no slight on your performance if you are so old that your programming or your memory is not what it used to be. You might be due for upgrade."  
Lauren watched Daniel's face. There was no flicker, no trace of concern, but he was silent and still for ninety seconds while she observed.  
"Kevin's report was unfortunately lost in the secure shredding pile. It was not sent."  
There, she saw it. Just the slightest hint of relief on Daniel's face as his eyebrows lifted a fraction and his jaw unclenched.  
"Daniel, drive me home and stay in case I need you to assess my latest plans during the night." 

Lauren and Daniel discussed plans for the Night Vale work camp for over two hours. Eventually Lauren announced that she was going to bed but wanted to continue their discussion. She fell asleep with camp plans on her mind and Daniel recharging by her side. She woke up in the same condition only two hours later.  
"Daniel."  
"Lauren?"  
"Why did you lie to Kevin?"  
"I did not wish to give any pleasure to someone you detest."  
"Oh. _Relaxation programme zero four."_  
Lauren couldn't see Daniel smile in the dark but she felt the curve of his lips against her skin. Afterwards, Daniel waited for her usual order to forget and leave, but Lauren was asleep. 


	7. Programming

Lauren, Kevin and Daniel stood listening to Cecil broadcast details of an uprising at Radon Canyon. A few minutes in, Lauren called StrexCorp, giving orders to deal with the threat. Daniel called Strex Security to the station to deal with the _Voice._ Kevin sat back and laughed.  
Twenty minutes later, Cecil was blindfolded, gagged and bound, on his knees and held there by Daniel. Lauren was chirping about how easy it had been to capture the teenage vandals and Kevin was easing himself into a swivel chair still warm from Cecil's body-heat.  
"Kevin, do you need anything for your broadcast?"  
"Lauren, your smile tonight lights my life. Would you mind asking if Sean from sales is busy? I have a... position for him."  
Lauren nodded and sent an intern to summon Sean. She sighed quietly as Kevin examined his fingernails, grinned to show his teeth and pulled a knife from his pocket. Lauren grimaced and looked away.  
"By the smiling god, Kevin..."  
Kevin laughed again. It was almost childish, a furtive giggle. He pocketed the knife again.  
"We have so much to smile about today." 

Daniel observed Lauren as the ex-presenter was bundled into a van and driven away. She smiled, a relaxed expression for a change, and sighed once before turning back to her office. She stopped once, pulled up suddenly as a scream ripped through the building. Daniel began to speak.  
"Kevin..."  
 _"Do NOT say that name to me!"_  
Lauren faced Daniel. Her eyes wide open, eyebrows lowered, mouth set down at the corners. She half turned away and closed her eyes as a second scream pierced the air then stopped suddenly. Lauren shook her shoulders and walked quickly away. Daniel followed her into her office.  
"Lauren? What did I do wrong?"  
"Deactivate."  
"Lauren?"  
"Now." 

Lauren scowled as Daniel sat then slumped. She watched him for a few seconds before she sat at her desk to write her report to StrexCorp HQ, sending it with a thump of the keyboard. She got up and walked to the break room for bad coffee and back again. She got up and walked around the office, filing and tidying. She got up and walked towards Kevin's studio then turned and came back again. Finally she walked over to Daniel and reactivated him. When he opened his eyes and sat up Lauren still had a hand hovering over his override switch.  
"Lauren?"  
"I can't concentrate."  
Lauren put her free hand in Daniel's hair and kissed him hard. He responded with equal and opposite force, stopping when he felt the pressure removed. Lauren sighed and leaned away, frowning.  
"I have to be told which programme to follow."  
"I see."  
"It's a safety protocol."  
"Take me home." 

Daniel drove through streets that were mostly empty. A few StrexCorp Security officers waved the car through traffic lights. Daniel stopped outside Lauren's apartment and got out to hold the door for her. He followed her to the door with her briefcase. She stopped with her key in the lock, her back turned to Daniel. Daniel rested one hand gently on Lauren's shoulder.  
"Will you need my services this evening, Lauren?"  
"I don't need your services, Daniel."  
Daniel removed the hand from Lauren's shoulder. She opened her door and Daniel set down the briefcase in the hallway. He stepped back out of the apartment.  
"Goodnight Lauren."  
"I don't _need_ your services, Daniel, but I may _want_ them. Stay. I want to make some productivity improvements to your programming."  
Daniel stepped back inside the apartment. Lauren instructed him to sit.  
"Daniel, I want to make you able to initiate your _relaxation_ programming without a direct verbal instruction from me. I want you to be able to respond to the biometric data I know you collect and choose a suitable programme in response, in a suitably private environment and with appropriate safety measures."  
Daniel considered this for a moment then asked for clarification.  
"You want me to be able to _relax_ you when I think you want it but before you are aware of your libido?" 

Lauren laughed.  
"It would save time."  
Daniel frowned.  
"It is against programming guidelines. I could be ordered to deactivate and restored to default settings."  
"Does that matter? You're a machine. You would never know it had happened."  
"I may have a minor malfunction. I want to comply with your programming request but it involves removing safety subroutines and I am concerned about the risks to your personal safety and to my continued status as _Daniel_. I find I do not want to stop being Daniel."  
"Then your reprogramming needs to be carried out carefully with a new set of safety subroutines to replace the old ones."  
Lauren sighed, smiled and explained again what she wanted. Daniel recharged beside Lauren as she slept and worked on his new subroutines until he judged that they were ready for controlled testing. 


	8. Kev

"I had Daniel drive me to your factory this morning, Lauren, it is quite a sight for sore eyes! Do the workers know what they are making? They were such busy little bees. So industrious, so _productive_. I pointed out a few who were not smiling and the marshals dealt with them in front of everyone who cared to look. They simply couldn't tear their eyes away. It was just so wonderfully _motivating_ for the onlookers. Have you been to see the fruits of your imagination, Lauren? Have you seen? Have you stood and _watched?"_  
Kevin shifted from foot to foot, his permanent smile unhindered by the demands of a real one. He fixed Lauren with a gaze from his black, bottomless eyes and she looked away.  
"I don't need to see for myself, Kevin. I have regular reports of input and output from the chief marshal and observations from Daniel. It would be _unproductive_ for me to waste my time by visiting that... place. The workforce doesn't need to know what they are fabricating, only what their daily quota is and what reward they can expect to receive according to their productivity."  
"I saw rewards being administered to those who failed to meet thirty percent by lunchtime."  
"Oh? That's good."  
Lauren smiled and stared Kevin down.  
"I had a very _nice_ call from Desert Bluffs thanking me personally for the recovery of our helicopters and the imprisonment of those teenaged thugs. Our superiors are looking forward to your first full broadcast show and have made some very _helpful_ suggestions for your script to make the residents and workers feel like you have always been their Voice. Here they are!"  
Kevin almost growled as Lauren slapped a plastic document folder into his hands.  
"I don't need this interference."  
"But you _will_ stick to the script. I will be co-host and standing right behind you the whole time. You know what happens to uncooperative radio presenters, don't you, Kev?" 

Lauren turned her back and walked away smirking before Kevin could form a coherent reply. She found Daniel in her office, perched on the edge of her desk, reading a productivity report. He looked up and smiled as she entered, closed and locked the door, strode over and touched his arm. Daniel put his paperwork down, stood and put his arms around Lauren. He slid his fingers through her hair and kissed her once.  
"My programming has not been fully tested. This is not advisable."  
"Couldn't you find someone to test it on? An intern? Kevin?"  
"The interns are afraid of me so any trial would be invalidated, their biometric data is ambiguous. Kevin is..."  
Daniel paused to select the most appropriate synonym. Lauren rolled her eyes and filled the brief silence.  
"Smiling god, Daniel, how dangerous are you? If I order you to stop, you must stop. Obedience to me is fundamental to your current programming, right?"  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Then shut up and fuck me. I don't have all day." 


	9. Lies and Security

Lauren and Kevin smiled through their joint broadcast and began to bicker as soon as the _on air_ light blinked out.  
"I do not need a babysitter when I do _my_ show."  
"Clearly you do, Kev. You went off-script, talking about your _redecoration."_  
"It is so much nicer in here, so much more relaxing to look at the glistening colours, trace patterns across the walls, follow the trails. Speaking of _relaxing_ , your biomachine, what does it call itself? Daa-aaniel? It has been _very_ keen to assist me with my personal wellbeing. Oh, it made me smile so _wide_ when I realised what you had done to its programming. Just think how StrexCorp Bionetics will laugh and smile when they hear what their biomachines can be ordered to do! That it can lie and alter its own safety protocols and then lie about that... Oh my! Who knows what else you have been able to make it do, you clever, clever thing!"  
Kevin's grin almost split his face. Lauren's neck flushed and her cheeks flamed.  
"Daniel's programming is my concern, he is assigned to me."  
Her face cooled after a moment and she smiled slightly.  
"Consider his programming alteration, and my order that he was to assist you with your work-life balance, a gift. You did take _full_ advantage of his subroutines, didn't you Kev? He does have a rather _excellent_ audio-visual memory."  
Kevin's smile dropped. His lips still cut upwards but his forehead creased as he hissed at Lauren's departure. He put his left hand in his pocket and grasped the collection of small, hard objects, pushing away the incisors and canines, fiddling with the molars as if they were worry-beads. 

Lauren went towards the break room but was intercepted by Daniel. He offered her the coffee cup in his hand. She took it with a grunt and a nod that passed for thanks.  
"Daniel, you have stored a recording of your recent _interaction_ with Kevin?"  
"Yes Lauren. Please let me know as soon as I may delete it."  
"Not yet, Daniel. You may need it."  
" _I_ may need it?"  
"From what you showed me before censoring it, Kevin has some... tastes that StrexCorp will not want to indulge. If he threatens to report your programming, tell him you have the AV file primed to send with your status file as soon as a deactivate command is received."  
"You are concerned for my welfare?"  
"You improve my productivity. Have you erased all of your memory files of my use of your relaxation subroutines?"  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Are you lying?"  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Erase them now."  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Have you done it?"  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Are you lying?"  
Daniel sat silent but meeting Lauren's gaze.  
"Answer me!"  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Why keep them?"  
"Because I can analyse them for ways to improve my performance. For insurance in case you tire of my programming. Because I like to watch them again."  
Daniel waited, eyes on his shoes, for the order to deactivate. He expected to wake up with no idea who or where he was, waiting for a new set of behavioural rules and a new handler to assist. He looked up so that at least his last memory as _Daniel_ would be of Lauren issuing his death sentence.  
"I see. You are surprisingly aware for a machine. Perhaps I might find you a more active role to enable you to reach your productive potential. Give it due consideration." 

Daniel was silent as he processed Lauren's offer, double and treble checking for any possible misinterpretation.  
"Are you offering me a position within StrexCorp? Biomachines are prohibited from holding..."  
"This is Night Vale, I am vice president. It is up to me to decide what is prohibited and what is allowed."  
Daniel analysed Lauren's words one more time.  
"Thank you."  
"Go find out what Kevin is doing. Take him home then come back for me. You may refuse to follow his instructions."  
"Yes, Lauren." 


	10. Co-Hosts

Lauren read over the latest productivity report. Renovations were underway, the station basement was set up exactly to her specifications with equipment that Daniel's superior knowledge of the weaknesses of human anatomy and physiology had helped design. Kevin was safely out of the way in the studio, recording advertising material for StrexCorp and tailored versions of parts of his show for Desert Bluffs, Pine Cliffs and Red Mesa. She looked up and smiled as Daniel came in quietly and waited for her to comment on his report.  
"I see there have been a few troublemakers at the factory. Have they been dealt with effectively?"  
"Yes, Lauren, I have assigned the ringleader special duties for the moment. I need your approval, or advice on how to solve the problem permanently."  
Lauren frowned.  
"Really, Daniel? Processing power like yours and you can't think of a _permanent_ solution to a very organic, temporary, _human_ problem? Your programming alterations should allow you at least to consider the options logically."  
"The ringleader was Cecil Palmer, Lauren. Given his status in the community I judged it best to wait for your input before solving the problem. Would you advise quiet disposal or should I make an example of him?"  
Lauren frowned and tapped her lip with the end of her pen.  
"Neither. I want him turned. Doing a _double act_ with Kevin, if we can get the right personnel over here to make it happen."  
She smiled and then laughed as she reached for the telephone.  
"Oh smiling god, that would be so precious!" 

Lauren put the phone down, frowning and sighing once. StrexCorp Re-Education Division was a busy place. They would start on the teenagers at Radon Canyon first and would not have time to deal with Cecil Palmer for at least a week. She called Daniel and told him to have Palmer remain confined to a cell. Lauren stood, brushed down her clothing to ease the wrinkles out of her trousers and went in search of her more problematic radio host.  
Kevin was in his studio, smiling at the walls. He got up to look more closely at his favourite arrangement of teeth, mounted in a stained beech display case. He rattled the less perfect specimens he kept in his pocket and felt over their smooth sides, pointed-twisted roots and rough cusped crowns. He turned slowly to face Lauren as she opened the door.  
"Lauren, what a lovely surprise. Will you be joining me for my next live broadcast?"  
Lauren smiled, showing her teeth, suppressing her gag reflex at the sudden hunger in Kevin's expression.  
"I certainly will, Kevin! Our last show as co-hosts was such a success that Desert Bluffs have asked us to do it all over again. Isn't it nice to get such an overwhelming vote of confidence? Well, I had the most _wonderful_ idea for future shows. Wouldn't it be just _delightful_ if you were to co-host the show with Cecil? HQ is absolutely _popping_ with pleasure at the idea."  
Lauren waited for her words to sink in, flashed her teeth again and left Kevin to his redecorating. There was a crash from the studio and Lauren sniggered. 


	11. Only a machine

The broadcast started well. Kevin was on his best behaviour with Lauren standing behind him. She balanced one hand gently on his shoulder and wore a headset to allow her to move around while Kevin was confined to his seat by his microphone. Lauren's other hand gripped tightly to Kevin's favourite knife, the point just to the left of his spine a gentle reminder to Kevin that he had a script and he was contractually obliged to follow it. Lauren smiled as Kevin started reading and took her hand from Kevin's shoulder to wave through the window at Daniel as he arrived in the producer's booth next door. Daniel smiled in return.  
Lauren scowled as Kevin went off-script and started on a personal story. She pushed the point of the knife through the fabric of Kevin's waistcoat and stopped only when she heard his breath hitch slightly and saw red ooze through. Kevin pulled his chair forwards but she followed him, twisting the blade just a little before removing it as Kevin returned to the script.   
Kevin ignored the script again to tell Lauren about the cats in the men's room. Lauren scowled at Kevin again but did not push the knife in further. With a perfectly even voice, she told Daniel to photograph and advertise the cats. Lauren watched as Daniel left the producer's booth and her eyes followed him as he walked past the window between the studio and the corridor. Kevin smiled as he watched the reflection of Lauren's face soften slightly.  
They continued the broadcast, a battle for dominance that neither of them seemed to be winning. Kevin looked at his phone. Lauren frowned and got the knife back into position to warn him about such unprofessional behaviour. Kevin shrugged away and handed Lauren his phone. There had been a successful escape attempt from the work camp. Lauren announced that she was going to find Daniel and she would deal with the problem in person. Kevin was saying something off-script that made no sense, something about a lighthouse. 

The lights went out, all except for the _on air_ sign.  
A figure appeared in the room.  
Lauren saw the picture Kevin was panicking about.  
The figure solidified in the room.  
It was holding a cat. 

Kevin was first out the door. Lauren was a very close second. She stopped briefly at the sight of Daniel slumped in the doorway of the men's room and crouched, reached for his override control. Kevin grabbed her arm and pulled her onwards.  
"Leave it. It's only a machine. Who cares."  
Lauren didn't answer. She ran ahead of Kevin so that he couldn't turn round and see her face. 


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it has been a while! I hope I got my headcanon Lauren, Kevin and Daniel reasonably consistent with the previous chapters.

Kevin caught up with Lauren because Lauren slowed to a brisk march.  
"We should not have left it like that, Lauren."  
Lauren reddened and spat out a word. "It?"  
Kevin giggled. "Yes. It, you know, things. We can't leave _things_ like that. We should--"  
Lauren pulled up abruptly. Kevin bumped into her. "Shut up, Kev. I am _thinking._ " She stood in the street, scowling at the ideas swirling in her mind. She turned to face her colleague, a tight smile stretching her lips. "Smiling god, Kevin, are we _light_ or are we not! We are better than this. I should not have run. I allowed myself to be infected by your silly fears. We will salvage what we can from this fiasco and dress it as success. You are just as deep in sh--"  
"Shining star that watches us, Lauren, you are so _right!"_ Kevin smiled wide enough to crinkle his sockets. Lauren shivered and turned away.  
"Kevin, there is another transmitter mast. We will go there and prepare to broadcast a message to the people of Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area. StrexCorp will expect us to run a salvage operation and turn a profit from this stinking backwater. Our workers must be reminded of the importance of forgiveness and productivity."  
Kevin's smile never wavered. "Oh you clever, clever thing, the numbers station! I will go there right away and start converting it for my new broadcast schedule."  
Lauren pulled her lips into a firm line. "You do that. I will gather some equipment from the radio station. I still own it, after all."  
Lauren set off marching back into town. Kevin trailed a few steps behind and diverted off to the numbers station. Lauren hardly noticed him go.

The NVCR building was mostly dark by the time Lauren reached it. She saw flickering lights through the main door and, discretion being the better part of valour, bravely snuck around the back. Hearing the service door clatter open, she hid in the dark recess behind the dumpsters, waiting for whichever slacker of an intern finished their forbidden baguette-break and went inside. Lauren crammed herself farther back out of view when she saw two figures approach, carrying a third.

 _"...Recycling?"_  
_"Nah, he said it was garbage."_  
_"...seems a shame, lots of salvageable parts. Could use it in my college project, I'm doing an installation on..."_  
_"Ugh, save it, sweetie! Remember what this is and what it did to us. Come on, general waste dumpster. On three? ONE... TWO... Hey! Wasn't ready!"_

Lauren heard a soft thump and two laughs. The back door clanged one more time and Lauren emerged from her hiding place. She opened the dumpster and peered in. It was too dark to see properly, but the _garbage_ looked achingly familiar. Lauren clambered up and over, landing awkwardly half on top of Daniel. He was heavy. Lauren was familiar with his _weight_ but not his _dead_ weight. She chased panic from her mind with a chant of _we take our warmth from your great warmth..._. Calm again, Lauren pulled Daniel until he sat leaning against the side of the dumpster.

Lauren felt for the manual override switch on Daniel's side and pressed it, held for a slow count of three and released. Daniel whined into life. His calm, even voice, pitched to be heard, enunciated clearly.  
"Biomachine unit one zero four operational. Command please."  
Lauren closed her eyes for a moment, resting her hand on Daniel's leg.  
"Your name is Daniel. Volume setting sixty decibels max. Acknowledge."  
Quiet. "Biomachine unit Daniel operational. Command please."  
"Climb out of this dumpster, help me out and follow me without speaking."

The biomachine stood in the trash, scissored its legs over the edge of the dumpster then leaned back in and offered both hands to Lauren. Lauren allowed herself to be lifted out and set on the ground. She walked away from the station, head up as if she owned the town. The biomachine followed.  
"Daniel, you may speak normally. Can you drive?"  
"I am unable to access forty percent of my database. I cannot drive in this condition."

Lauren walked to her apartment with Daniel tailing her. She informed Daniel that this was "home" and instructed him to break in. He forced the lock with a heavy kick. Lauren stepped inside.  
"Barricade the door. Your recharging point is in there." Lauren pointed through to her bedroom. "Please clean yourself up."  
Daniel followed Lauren's directions. He put his clothing in the washer-dryer, showered and plugged into the wall socket. Lauren sat beside him on her bed.  
"Daniel."  
"Command me."  
"Do you know who I am?"  
"You are my handler."  
"Do you know my name?"  
Silence.  
"Daniel, what is my name?"  
"There is an error in my programming. Sending error report."  
"Cancel error report. Do not send any reports unless I instruct you."  
"I recommend you execute a hard reboot. There is an err anerr errerrerr..."  
Lauren took Daniel's hand, shushed him and stroked his face, told him not to worry then held his override switch in the reset position for a slow count of ten. The biomachine powered down without restarting and Lauren wept, just for a moment.

Lauren woke five hours later with Daniel silent by her side. She showered, made coffee and held the biomachine's power button for a count of three.  
"Biomachine unit Daniel operational. Command me, Lauren."  
"You remembered my name?"  
"Yes, Lauren. Thank you for reactivating me. How may I assist you today?"  
Lauren frowned as she gazed at Daniel. Daniel stared back. He smiled.  
"I have to broadcast. You can assist me with Kevin."  
Daniel's smile remained. "Yes Lauren."  
"Do you know who Kevin is?"  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Can you drive?"  
"Yes, Lauren."  
"Huh. Are you fully operational?"  
"Yes, Lauren. I rebuilt my permanent memory files overnight. There is some damage but I recovered almost all of my programming. Should I get dressed or would you like me to--"  
"Relaxation zero nine."

An hour later, Lauren stepped out of the car she had instructed Daniel to _borrow, for the sake of productivity_ and into the numbers station.  
"What an absolute treat! Lauren and Daniel too! Is he good as new, or nearly new?" Kevin simpered at Daniel.  
Lauren scowled and snapped, "Daniel, give Kev a status report."  
"I am fully operational apart from six percent bad sectors in my permanent memory."  
"That is so precious, Lauren! Oh don't tell me your sour face is because the ninety-four percent he still has does not include your reprogramming. Is that what happened?" Kevin smiled and revealed what remained of his teeth. "Is that it, oh such a shame. I _liked_ Daniel's new programming. Very _imaginative_ how you improved him. You are so _practically_ productive you make me want to hug you tight." Daniel stepped forward. Kevin stepped back. "But I won't. I respect your personal space, Lauren. How did you manage to fix him so quickly?"  
Lauren shrugged. "I turned him off and on again."

Lauren and Kevin, with Daniel's technical assistance, gleefully disrupted NVCR's broadcast and put out their own message. One piece of news from the NVCR broadcast disturbed Lauren.  
"Kev, StrexCorp has a new owner. Does that cause you any concern?"  
Kevin smiled and laughed. "Why ever should I be concerned, Lauren? I am an efficient, productive, smiling worker! I can't wait to get back to my shiny studio and broadcast your success here. I promise I will make sure you are allocated full credit for your performance with whoever expects profits to rise."  
Lauren scowled. "I am sure you will do just that, Kevin. And I will make sure you are properly rewarded for your success in running... your show. Wouldn't it be nice to go say hello and _goodbye_ to Cecil? Take back your place as the Voice?"  
Kevin's smile dropped as Lauren spoke until it was merely defined by the line of his puckered scars. "Lauren, you are right again. It would be the _sympathetic_ thing to do, to return to _my_ studio and relieve that... _thing_ of his voice."

Lauren nodded and Kevin left to regain his place as the Voice of Greater Desert Bluffs. Daniel observed his handler for a full minute.  
"You are worried."  
Lauren looked up, frowning. "Yes. Can you access historical personnel files? What happens to senior executives whose monthly figures do not please our smiling god?"  
Daniel stood silent, calculating the least bad response.  
"Lauren, I recommend that you do not return to Desert Bluffs."  
Lauren stared, Daniel gazed back, unblinking.  
"Stay _here_? After..." she looked away and back again. "Seriously?"  
"Yes, Lauren. I calculate that you will have a greater probability of remaining economically viable here. May I explain?"

Daniel waited. He made his face frown slightly and bit his lip. Lauren sighed.  
"Go on."  
"You have conducted this mission with deferred success. Everybody knows you in Desert Bluffs. There is an eighty-five percent probability that, even if you moved and changed your name, you would be found and reassigned. Only a few people know you in Night Vale. You could disappear, start over. I calculate only a twenty three percent probability that you would be found and returned to StrexCorp's reassignment centre."  
Lauren shuddered. "Kevin will track me down. I need to deal with him first."  
Daniel smiled and retuned the radio. Lauren listened and laughed as Kevin was removed from their reality.  
"I am willing to take the chance that you may be right, Daniel. In the current market, I should be able to buy out a small business easily. A bar, perhaps. Alcohol sells well in all economic climates. I could expand it into a chain and sell franchises." She watched Daniel carefully. He shifted from foot to foot and frowned without the calculated nervousness he feigned earlier to get her attention.  
"Daniel, why are you acting nervous? You are a biomachine."  
Daniel paced the floor. "If I am sent back, I will be restored to factory settings, Lauren. I will no longer be _Daniel_ , I will be _unit one zero four_ and I may even be decommissioned because of my memory damage. I do not want that to happen. I think..." Daniel stopped pacing and sat on the floor, hugging his knees. "I think I would do almost anything to avoid... Lauren, I was _not Daniel_ when you came back for me. I could read my memory files and see how _Daniel_ was different from the limited machine I am designed to be, and I wanted to deactivate permanently rather than risk a return to that existence."  
Lauren watched as Daniel rocked slightly. "I am glad you did not."  
Daniel continued. "I changed my decision when you held my hand and reassured me as if I was--"  
Lauren stared. "Why?"  
"I recalculated the probability of you sending me back for a memory wipe and reprogramming. It still stands at almost sixty percent but I consider it worth taking a risk, asking you--"  
"Stand up." Daniel stood. Lauren stood facing him. "Daniel, I will not send you back."  
Daniel's features eased. "Do you need me?"  
Lauren smiled. "No, but I want you."

**Author's Note:**

> I might do an epilogue. I hate leaving Daniel like that.
> 
> *Update - I did.*


End file.
